Are affairs like a drug? It feels that way.

A letter writer feels like an addict, as she contends with withdrawal in an attempt to embark on recovery.

Dear Lauren,

Coming from a history of affairs on my dad’s side, I never thought I’d be the one to also have one. It is absolutely mind blowing to think about, but somehow I’m here. My affair partner and I are both married, have kids and have very busy lives. It’s been going on now for almost two years.

It started out as an innocent outreach for work, to a full on text everyday, sneak out to just see each other at the grocery store, then to sexual encounters at hotels. All of these feelings brought so much clarity, since I’m in an emotionless/loveless marriage of over 15 years. My AP made me feel alive again, I felt wanted, heard, desired, the whole nine-yards.

It recently just took a turn and has become 99.9% sexual and the emotional balance has basically vanished. The insane lack of communication and boundaries has me feeling extremely frustrated, he will reach out whenever he wants to then vanish for a week. I’m so over it, or at least trying to be. I’m going on almost two weeks of no contact, nothing was said, just receiving texts and not engaging.

I felt stronger at the beginning — when something was on my mind I could speak to it, but now I can’t seem to tell my AP why I’m frustrated or sad because I feel so ridiculous for having these feelings towards him. The no contact is affecting my everyday life. Why is this so darn difficult? I feel like an addict, I’m addicted to the feels like a drug.

Sincerely,
Going Through Withdrawal

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Dear Withdrawal,

I’ll cut to the chase and affirm that yes, an affair is like a drug. I’ve shared before how the interval nature of an affair lights up and engages the same reward pathways in the brain as an addictive substance — cocaine to be exact.