Can We Be "Codependent No More?"

A Betrayed Spouse Must Confront His People Pleasing

Hello!

The last month flew by and I appreciate everyone’s support and encouragement as I took a break from the Substack to advance a major chunk of my book writing. I got a lot accomplished and, along the way, my team and I though long and hard about how we can keep “Letters to Lauren” fresh and additive to your life.

This will always be a place where we provide support for people who’s lives have been impacted by infidelity. Shaming and condemnation are the opposite of healing and that’s what all parties need. Don’t confuse that last sentence with excuse-making or condoning, though. This is a safe space for growth, not excuses!

Your support as a paid subscriber is a critical part of maintaining this space. Together, we’re creating and cultivating a new narrative around infidelity and how we, as people and as couples, can rise above this very human phenomenon. Your paid subscription creates more room for us to do our work as public educators and conveners of this unique space.

In the spirit of our service, we have been challenging ourselves and asking, “how can we evolve our work to better serve people?,” so we’re changing things up (a little bit) with “Letters to Lauren.”

Each week, I’ll select a letter from a reader and, starting with this issue, I’ll share a short video response. This allows me to cover more ground in a shorter period of time than in the essay-style and it’s closer to the experience of my coaching practice.

This is an experiment, so I’m extremely interested in hearing how this works for you. Going forward, we’ll keep this as a place for people to meet, find community, share their experience, strength and hope and HEAL.

Frank writes:

Lauren,

I appreciate all you have shared. What advice would you give me? My wife has been having an affair for 17 months now. She says she wants to be with me but I know she’s afraid because I haven’t been the best husband and my lack of connection has her seeking it with someone else. She still talks to him every day and sees him during lunch breaks at work sometimes. He is not married.

I’ve always been a people pleaser and I just go through the motions. I am in constant mental stress and so much anxiety. I told my wife last week that she needs to end it immediately if she wants to work on us but I haven’t heard anything from her on that matter yet.

She’s been more affectionate with me and talks about the future with wanting another baby and a bigger house. I am nowhere near any of that but I don’t ever convey how I feel because I don’t feel like she respects me or my opinion. Please help.