Do I Choose My Affair or My Marriage?

An Exhausted Wife and AP Grapples With the Decision.

Dear Lauren,

I've been married to a loving, kind man for 16 years, and for the past six months I have been having an affair with a woman I work with. I've been attracted to her for three years, and when I finally plucked up the courage to tell her, she admitted feeling the same way.

It's been the most exciting, exhilarating feeling, to fall in love again, and feel passion for another person. She is also married to a man, and neither of us has been in a same-sex relationship before. We both have kids and don't want to wreck our families, but the intensity of the feelings have been impossible to suppress.

My husband questioned me about my relationship with her three months ago as he'd noticed how close we had become. I admitted to having feelings for her and that we'd been physically intimate, but not the full extent. He promptly told her husband about the affair, which lead to her having to choose. She chose to stay in her marriage, and my husband and I have been in counseling since. He knows that I am still in touch with her, and suspects that it is not over, but I have denied that the relationship has continued as I am confused and trying to buy myself time to figure things out (and I don't want to end it with her).

We've struggled with intimacy in our marriage for many years; he has a high sex drive, and I do not. Well, at least not with him. I don't feel physically attracted to him or enjoy penetrative sex. And now, as a result of this relationship with a woman, I am questioning my sexuality.

I want to explore this new found side of me, to figure out what I want, but my husband is not open to an open marriage. Can I really expect his views to change to meet mine? And will it be possible to continue our marriage if I discover that I am in fact more attracted to women?

Exhausted Wife and AP

Dear Exhausted Wife and AP,

I hear you and I can understand why you describe yourself as “exhausted.” As you sit in the balance of your relationships, maintaining the one foot in/ one foot out stance requires a lot of emotional, psychic, and relational work.

I hear it from my clients every week as they struggle with how to move forward after affair discovery… Keeping everything straight, trying to hold it all together, remembering what you can, and cannot, disclose, is a long and slow grind on your soul.

The reason we do what we do here — the coaching, the courses, the membership community, the education — is that while it’s all painful no matter what, there ARE proven ways to handle these situations so that they don’t entail as much suffering as they commonly do. In this week’s coaching, I’ll walk you through exploring some of the most pressing universal themes of decision-making after an affair.

And here’s the truth: When you roll up your sleeves and get into the hard discernment, it’s freeing for everyone. The Gain + Loss Quadrant for Unfaithful Spouses is a powerful tool I created to take all of your thoughts and make them truly tangible, so your decision reflects your highest priorities and values, and so that you see clearly the path ahead.

Helping people achieve clarity, and nurturing emotional liberation for unfaithful spouses, affair partners, or betrayed spouses, is why I entered this work. I hope you’ll consider becoming a paid subscriber — your subscription makes this all possible.

If you’re someone who has had an affair and are looking to repair your life and move on with freedom and clarity of heart and mind, there are resources on my site that have helped so many others — and they can help you, right now.

Thank you for being here - and now let’s help Exhausted get on with her life!