Do I Tell My Spouse About My Affair?
An unfaithful spouse wonders if he should tell his wife, even though the affair is over.
Hello!
Thank you for all the encouragement and positive feedback with the our new “Letters to Lauren” (L2L) format. We’ve already incorporated your suggestions, like getting the complete transcript included at the bottom for your reading pleasure, and this week we have an L2L-Instagram crossover event!
Today’s letter comes from an unfaithful spouse who had a multi-year affair. The relationship has ended and he’s wondering how to move forward. What was his role in the affair relationship not working out? Does he tell his wife, even though the affair has ended?
This question - do I disclose the affair, or not - is one of the most complicated, and conflicting, issues we encounter here. As a community of people who span the three sides of the infidelity triangle, I want this to be a place where we can learn from each other and get on with our healing, so I took the question to our Instagram community. Check out this post and please spend some time in the comments. There is some heartfelt wisdom in there.
Quick reminder, your support as a paid subscriber is a critical part of maintaining this space. Together, we’re creating and cultivating a new narrative around infidelity. Your paid subscription creates more room for us to do our work as public educators and conveners of this unique space.
And now, on to this week’s “Letter to Lauren” where “A Dumb Guy” writes:
Dear Lauren,
I'm a married man who was having an affair with a married woman. Our affair was long distance, as she lives about 12 hour drive from me. She said she was unsettled with being ignored in the bedroom and in general conversation. I was unhappy with being ignored in the bedroom and constantly arguing with my wife about everything. Our affair was mostly online, we met on a public safety professionals forum in 2019. We would send each other sexts through Snap. We had a 1000 day snap streak going. We would snap each other pretty much every hour. It changed in January of 2023 when we first met up. Our interludes included hours long passionate sex sessions when I passed through town. She even flew out to see me and I lied to my wife about where I was going. We had sex for the last time in September 2023. Since then she would say "I'm all yours". I would reply in kind. I could tell that me not divorcing my wife was draining on my affair partner. She left her husband, sold their house, but did not file for divorce yet.
In July, I was excited that I was going to a Metallica concert and sent her a snap, it had the song Whiskey in the Jar in the background. She took the song personally and told me to fuck off. About a week later, we FaceTimed and she and I formally broke it off as the timing was not right. She wanted me to get my shit together and choose, she said that our relationship was on hold until I did. She told me that she was hanging out with her ex, and it was platonic. We tried to continue being friends, only on Snap, as we blocked each other on socials and phone numbers. It fell apart. She said we had no chance of getting back together, didn't want me sending her gifts, and that she was just my friend. I told her that it was unhealthy if we stayed friends and we deleted each other from Snap. I tried to communicate with her unsuccessfully since. How do I get over her and move on? Do I have to tell my wife to repair my marriage?
Sincerely,
A Dumb Guy
Here’s my response:
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