He Ended His Marriage, But Didn't Come Back for Me.

A confused affair partner wonders how to interpret mixed-messages.

Dear Lauren,

I was having an affair with a close friend and colleague of mine. I had to move away for work, but we realized we were in love and things escalated from there. He told me many times that he wanted to be with me, that we would make things work, and that he could barely keep it a secret about us because he wanted to end things with his partner and wanted us to be public. He just said we needed to keep it a secret until our next meet-up.

Anyway, when we got back he immediately went on holiday with his partner and didn't say anything. I ended things with the anticipation that it would give him the courage and space to leave. Four months later, I gave up hope and blocked him because he kept dragging me in telling me how much he missed me but that he had to stay for his kids.

Two weeks ago I found out he has ended things with his partner. He has tentatively reached out on the one social media platform that I didn't block him, but it's very lukewarm (I also found out he started a Tinder profile).

While I know a separation will be incredibly stressful and a Tinder profile may have just been a distraction, I had thought that he would have reached out straight away and not been so lukewarm with his messaging. I know I blocked him (thinking we could never be together), but I still love him so much and want to make things work.

Should I continue to give him space or try to rekindle things?

Sincerely,
Erin

Well, my dear Substack community, it’s probably not a surprise that the tl;dr of my coaching response to Erin is…. RUN!!!

This week’s coaching response is one that affair partners and unfaithful spouses alike (heck, all of us!) need to hear. When you dive deeper in my coaching video to Erin, you’ll hear me address head-on the importance of vital issues like respect, self-worth, and knowing what you want in your relationships. There’s no dynamic that makes us minimize red flags and relationship concerns quite like an affair!

Erin’s willingness to speak up and ask for coaching around this confounding, but not uncommon scenario, is definitely the kind of take-charge approach we want to see in 2025! I want each of us to be on a mission to move toward the life and the relationships we envision and that we deserve. And that starts with us.

Affairs have a unique way of distorting what’s acceptable in the realm of relationship behaviors. Am I right? It takes serious effort to get back to baseline, reclaim your truth, and set your path straight again.

If any of this resonates, you’ll want to dive into my recently published workbook Get to the Truth About Being an Affair Partner. It’s packed with clear, actionable guidance for anyone who wants a deeper understanding about what keeps them in the affair dynamic, and the impact of it.

For unfaithful spouses who are trying to figure out what they want, The Decision-Making Masterclass for Spouses in an Affair and our Get Unstuck e-book will help you avoid (or escape!) the harmful trap of uncertainty and limbo.

Whether it’s a workbook, e-book, or a Masterclass, I’m so passionate about finding ways to solve the pain-points that paralyze and confuse people on all sides of an affair.

Thank you for being a paid subscriber, I’m so grateful for your commitment to learning and growing together here. And, if you’re not yet a part of the Letters to Lauren subscriber community, I hope you’ll become one today. In addition to each full weekly coaching response sent right to your inbox, paid subscribers also gain access to all of the letter archives, and to the community chat where advice and support flows freely. Your subscription makes all of that possible!

Now, let’s dive in to help Erin find her path through this situation.