He'll Never Leave Her. How Do I Leave Him?
When spousal illness reinforces marital duty, an affair partner wonders how to walk away.
Dear Lauren,
I am married, living in separate bedrooms for four years. Three years ago I reconnected with a high-school friend who is unhappily married to a woman survivor of breast cancer and then diagnosed with MS. Neither of us ever cheated, and I was staying until my only daughter leaves for college (this fall) and he was staying as caretaker for his wife in a wheelchair.
We have fallen in love and spent three years before she found out. They went for marriage counseling, where he realized he will never be in a “marriage“ with her but also can’t leave her (his kids don’t have a good relationship with her either and won’t help out, and she literally has no friends.)
I’m now getting ready to leave my marriage and the pressure is on. I break up with him knowing this isn’t enough for me, and he calls promising the world, which of course never happens. I lost my mom five months ago and now my daughter leaving for college.
While I hate saying goodbye to him, I know it’s best for me… but I can’t find strength to walk away and stay away when he calls me with the I love you’s and empty promises.
I really need help navigating this and I think you are the person who can help me. Please guide me — what steps can I take to give me that strength to walk away and stay away? Thanks for the non-judgment. I hate myself right now for all of this weakness. This is normally not me.
Sincerely,
Feeling Weak
Dear Feeling Weak,
The good news is, you know the outcome. Your married man isn’t leaving, so you have clarity there. No amount of words offset the very solid fact that he’s not available and won’t become available. So, do you wish to be with another unavailable person after living estranged from your spouse for so long?
That’s the simple and straightforward question you must as yourself. And if the answer is “no” then no amount of negotiation and sweet talk from him changes that reality.
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