He's Afraid That If He Leaves, His Wife Will Keep Him From His Child
When co-parental control or alienation is a possibility, everyone is stagnated.
Dear Lauren,
I am an affair partner of two years. I was married at first and was in the process of divorcing when I met my married partner. In the two years we have gone back and forth, and separated with no contact, but still it seems we end up back together.
He is currently separated from his wife living on his own, but he still cannot seem to make the decision to divorce her. They have one child, and in his head he feels like she’ll have absolute control of him being able to see her. I, too, am a mom, and he has watched me through my divorce and has seen how my now seven-year-old is thriving with my ex and me apart.
What do I do? How do I proceed? Do I wait for him or just move on? I love him deeply, I just feel confused.
Sincerely,
Single Mom
Dear Single Mom,
Your question addresses a very common concern when it comes to affairs and possible divorce. The parent who wishes to leave the marriage often has a paralyzing fear that doing so will jeopardize their relationship with their child(ren) if they do, or, if the children are young, that they will be kept from their children and be left at a great disadvantage when it comes to co-parenting or having access to their own child.
When it comes to our kids, the fear is primal, it’s visceral, and it’s real. In my experience, when it comes to divorce, while both parents experience the heartache of losing time with their child, it’s most often the fathers who have fear around it. For many married men, the child’s mother takes primary importance — not only in the child’s life, but also in terms of being an influential keeper of the relationship with their child. In turn, the mother is seen as holding a larger proportion of the power and control when it comes to parenting and navigating the child’s life.
While many of these fears are subconscious, parental access can also be overtly weaponized against a parent who makes moves to leave. Perhaps your married man’s wife told him everything he can expect to lose if he attempts to divorce her — a common narrative I deal with every day when I’m working with clients. The fear this strikes in the heart of the person wishing to leave stagnates them. And, here’s the kicker — we don’t really know if any of those threats are true or real.
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