How Can He Stay Married When He Loves Me?

An affair partner for 18 of her formative years wonders how she's ended up alone.

Dear Lauren,

It’s been 18 years of waiting. I never set out to be an affair partner. I don’t think anyone does. I was 19 years old when it started and he was 33, married with two young children. He initiated the affair and swore he would leave her and we could be together. He told me I was young and just didn’t understand the complexity of it. So I continued to wait for him to hold true to his promise and hold out hope.

After four years into the affair together, he moved away for a job. We continued to stay in touch over the years. Meeting up for sex, calls, FaceTimes, texts. His wife found out about us on several occasions. But always forgave him and the marriage remains. And I then found out about several other women he had been with. I’m still so in love with him, I’ve continued to overlook everything.

It’s now been 18 years, this past summer we really tried to rekindle our relationship. Being open and honest with eachother about our feelings and love for eachother, supporting one another. I just knew in my heart this was going to be it. He was finally going to leave and we could be together. Well, I couldn’t have been more wrong. After nine months of being “back together” his wife found out once again and threatened to leave him.

He says he can’t ruin his relationship with his children and can’t lose his money in a divorce so we have to stop this relationship for good. He says he doesn’t love her and he loves me. How could someone choose to stay in a marriage if they love someone else? Do people really stay in an unhappy situation for money and or family dynamics? I’m so heartbroken and confused. I’ve put my life on hold for 18 years waiting for him and I can’t imagine my life with anyone else. I want him to be happy. I hate that this has hurt his wife for so many years . But I also want to be with the man I love. How can I move forward? I’m so lost.

Sincerely,
Long-Term AP

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Dear Long-Term AP,

Perhaps the same emotional reasons your married affair partner is staying married are similar to the emotional reasons that you’ve remained in a relationship with him. Attachment. Fear of change. Bonding. Limiting beliefs. Fear of the unknown.

We tend to wonder why other people aren’t changing, without realizing that we aren’t changing either.

You still desire to be with your married partner, the man you love, despite his multiple infidelities, almost two decades of his affair with you, and a disconnect between his words and his behaviors. I’d like you to apply the curiosity you have about his choices and gain a curiosity instead about your own. Know that I’m saying that with every ounce of compassion. Know that I’m saying it because I care about you and your ability to self-reflect so that you can finally recover yourself. It’s always our own work that’s in the way. Everyone else is just doing what is right for them.

I wonder what waiting for him has taken from you. What were your goals for your life? What did you want in a relationship, in companionship? What did you see for yourself from age 19 to age 37, and what have you given up or compromised because of this affair?