How can I trust that my husband's affair is over if he still talks to his affair partner?
A betrayed spouse wonders whether to "trust the process" or cut her losses and move on.
Dear Lauren,
I have been married to my husband for 17 years and together 26. My husband had a 7-year affair with a woman that I considered a family friend. Since I found out about the affair in 2022, he promised to stop the affair but continued to see her on and off until sometime in 2023.
Now he claims he has stopped seeing her and sleeping with her but he continues to speak with her on the phone. He denies this but I snooped on his phone and know that he speaks with her regularly. I have expressed my dissatisfaction with this situation. I feel like he has more loyal to her and her feeling matter more than mine.
I asked for a separation and attempted to date. He discovered I was talking to a someone who I told I am separated. He called the man up and scared him away. The man has since stopped talking to me. My husband says he is working on the marriage, and should trust him that he is trying to manage his affair partner and is no longer involved with her. He tells me to trust him that he loves me and is not leaving me.
He has stopped going out and stays in the house most of the time unlike in the past when he was out almost all the time.
The continued communication and lack of boundaries with this woman worries me. I'm wondering if I should accept that he is unable to commit to the marriage and has fallen in love with this woman and is incapable of leaving her. Should I move on with my life and stop trying to fix what is dead? I am confused on if I should believe and trust the process or listen to common sense that he is lying and doesn’t want to end his affair.
Sincerely,
Continued Contact
Dear Continued Contact,
There’s an important difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy is something we all need, but it’s important to distinguish that privacy isn’t being misused for the purposes of secrecy, especially after an affair. Privacy is healthy, whereas secrecy in this context is destructive and self-serving. Your husband is still engaged in secrecy, which to me, prevents you from feeling safe and actually prevents the affair from being truly over, even if it’s over physically.
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