How do I break up with my married affair partner once and for all?

Feeling more ready than ever, a single affair partner needs advice on the best course of action.

Lauren,

First, let me tell you how much I appreciate the work that you are doing. Affairs are shrouded in so much secrecy and guilt that they are only discussed behind closed doors. You are bringing too light how incredibly painful and life disrupting affairs are for everyone involved. If I could tell people anything, outside of having a drug addiction, having an affair is one of the most destructive things you can do to your own personal well-being as well as that of your family.

I have been involved in a relationship with a man who lives with another woman for the last eight years. He splits his time between the two of us. As far as I know, she is not aware of me. He has never shared his reasons, but I don’t believe he’s ever going to leave her. Yet, whenever he feels me pulling away, he eludes to us having a future together and draws me back. I’m such a fool. I am ready to take the steps to break up with him. However, I don’t know how.

He is on a business trip and traveling this week, next week he will go to his home with her and the following week he will come to stay with me. It’s his birthday. I feel awful about breaking up with him while he’s on a business trip or right before his birthday. However, I’ve never felt more strongly than I do right now about breaking up with him. I feel like if I don’t do it now I may lose my courage.

Also, I think doing it by text would be awful given the number of years we’ve been together and how close we are. Yet, I feel like texting and blocking him will close the door permanently and therefore might be the best course of action. However, that feels so cold and heartless. I would like to do this in a way that is graceful and kind. What are your thoughts?

Sincerely,
Ready

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Dear Ready,

First, thank you for your kind words. Second, I can hear how desperate you are to capitalize on your courage and strength to finally end this relationship for good.

Think about it this way — if you were in a normal relationship, one in which two people were on equal ground (no third parties here), you’d feel very connected to your knowing that the relationship had run its course, wasn’t working for you, couldn’t meet your needs, etc, and you would express that in an act we refer to as “breaking up” with someone.

With an affair, however, we often feel that we can’t break up with our partner. It’s very unique, in that our attempts to break up are usually less successful and effective than they would be if this was a normal breakup “in the real world.” In the real world, there would perhaps be a lot of tears, perhaps a little negotiation from the person who didn’t choose to do the breaking up, expressed care or regrets, and generally you’d part ways with perhaps a bit of contact, or maybe a little bit of back and forth before you’re done for good.

With affairs, there’s a power differential that doesn’t exist in regular relationships that has a profound effect on our brain — whereas we’ve lost our sense of power over our own self, our choices and our agency. In that way, as also reference, stopping the relationship requires an all-out addiction-level battle, rather than the usual difficulty we encounter in ending any regular intimate relationship.