How Do I Get My Unfaithful Partner To See How Much Pain Has Been Caused?

'Desperate To Be Seen' wants her partner to step up and work to heal the relationship.

Lauren,

I’m writing as a betrayed spouse. When you feel like certain behaviors are there in your SP—but others aren’t and there are very few words—is it ok to ask for and even expect more?

There has been some progress since the affair after heartbreaking indecision on their part. I will admit many things are better, BUT one thing that is missing is that my spouse hardly ever brings up the affair; rarely verbally expresses sorrow, apologies, empathy, or regret.

I suspect they have not done work around their guilt and shame (or who knows since they aren’t open—is it secret longing for the AP!?) they don’t seem to feel like they have any responsibility to talk about the affair or hold themselves accountable. I don’t want them fever wallowing in shame yet I also feel like part of what they need to do is to actually feel bad and sorry…if they do feel this way it’s never expressed. And if they don’t…I’d like to know so I can make decisions with eyes wide open.

In online spaces the betrayed partner often says “my spouse is doing and saying everything right/reinvested in the relationship fully/is remorseful but I don’t know if I can trust them” for me it feels like “I think I can trust them; their behavior is more like the person I used to know, yet I don’t have any indication that they feel regret and are willing to go the distance in repairing this extreme hurt.”

I don’t know what they need; therapy, or time, or other support but I don’t feel like it’s something I can live without. To me what needs to be seems painfully obvious. Resources on this are abundant and easy to find. If they wanted to they would? Where do I go from here?

I know it’s not something I can force but I also am flabbergasted that they won’t take on this responsibility of owning their behavior, talking about it, and apologizing. I don’t think their discomfort and avoidance should matter more than my pain. I don’t think the responsibility for healing this is all mine.

Sincerely,

Desperate to be Seen

I feel this letter so deeply. As someone who started this journey after the discovery of my husband’s affair, I empathize with what’s being expressed AND I agree with the statement “I don’t think the responsibility for healing all this is mine.”

As I include in the coaching, affairs are often avoidant behavior. Your spouse isn’t going to stop being avoidant after affair discovery AND you have to get your emotional and relational needs met. Your partner, even if they’re addressing the underlying issues, healing, changing and not repeating their past behavior, may not be able to give you the closure you seek.

If they can’t - then what? You still have a life ahead of you, and you owe it to yourself to make the most of it.

I hear from folks like ‘Desperate to be Seen’ every day and can only book a fixed number of sessions each week, so I created a continuum of support to help more betrayed spouses get focused on their healing and reclaiming their lives after the pain of affair discovery.

Whether you enter through The Betrayed Spouse Survival Guide (just $15,) want to accelerate your work through my “From Survive to Thrive” course for Betrayed Spouses or plug into THRIVE Beyond Infidelity, a one-of-a-kind support community for betrayed spouses, I want you to know from my first-hand experience that you do not have to suffer alone.

Thank you for being here. I’m so grateful for your commitment to learning and growing together. And, if you’re not yet a paid subscriber to the Letters to Lauren community, I hope you’ll become one today. In addition to each full weekly coaching response sent right to your inbox, paid subscribers also gain access to all of the letter archives, and to the community chat.

Now, let’s help ‘Desperate to be Seen’ get this sorted out…!