How Do I Stop Ruminating About My Husband's Affair?

A betrayed spouse's questions about the past are keeping her from moving forward.

Dear Lauren,

I recently discovered my husband had an affair a few years ago. It's been over for three years and happened during a very trying time in our relationship. He's done everything right, cut off contact, been transparent about everything, giving me access to the phone, iPad, and his location, and is committed to making this work.

We've been together since kids and the pandemic... we came to a breaking point. He is doing the work. The problem is I can't stop my mind from going over everything over and over. I want to call her, I want to ask questions. I want details, but really, I know this will not help us move forward. I'm trying hard not to keep bringing it up.

Is this odd mind game normal? How can I stop this and focus on rebuilding, gaining trust, and forgiving? I welcome any advice.

Sincerely,

T

In this week’s letter, T demonstrates how our brain responds to affair discovery, which can impact how we face reality, and our ability to ultimately move forward and heal.

Ruminations that lead to seemingly endless questions are normal. It’s our brain’s attempt to piece together the missing fragments to our own past, but it can be overwhelming and exhausting. When Michelle and I work with betrayed spouses at Lauren LaRusso Coaching this is a huge point of focus, so they can begin make progress toward healing.

As you’ll hear in my coaching video to T, her work lies in reframing what her mind is trying to do, work on staying present, and reminding herself of her goals now. While it is difficult to reframe our fear and anxiety after betrayal, it can also be a real opportunity for personal growth that will allow you to rebuild yourself, not only your marriage.

If T’s letter sounds familiar to you, I have options for your healing. Everyone needs something different, and if you’re a betrayed spouse who wants to be immersed in a community with other growth-oriented betrayed spouses, I invite you to join THRIVE. If you’re someone who prefers to metabolize materials independently, I encourage you to explore our betrayed spouse resources.

I hope you’ll subscribe to Letters to Lauren so you have access to all of our weekly insights for your learning and growth. Your subscription makes this work possible.

Thank you to T for your vulnerability in this week’s letter. Now let’s help her face down her healing after affair discovery.