I can't choose between my wife and my affair partner. Please help!

A letter writer wonders why he can't ease his guilt and anxiety enough to end one relationship and commit to the other fully.

Dear Lauren,

I am a 42-year-old man who has been married for 20 years to my high school sweetheart. Over a year ago I started an emotional and physical affair with a coworker. She and I had been friends for about 9 years. Over those years we became very close and that blossomed into an affair relationship. We both have a lot in common and enjoyed each other well before the affair started.

The affair was discovered and I broke it off with my AP. That has made me miserable and given me terrible anxiety. I went back to talking with my AP and seeing her at work. That was discovered again. I have again tried to rejoin the marriage because I can’t see myself not with my wife, as we have a great life together, and kids, and the thought of leaving gives me great anxiety as well.

I have seen a counselor specializing in affair recovery but I feel stuck. If I am with my wife I feel anxiety and guilt for not being with my AP and if I try to leave my wife I feel the same. If I am alone the anxiety goes away. I know I have to make a decision. Any advice?

Sincerely,
Can’t Recover

Dear Can’t Recover,

I wonder what your heart wants.

Is the anxiety and guilt being that is keeping you stuck being fostered by pressure from your wife and affair partner, or is it being self-fueled?

Discerning the source of your anxiety and guilt is the trailhead I want you to follow in order to unpack and understand your paralysis in resolving your dual relationships.

The following video message to you breaks down my view of your situation, and provides you with guidance about how to better understand your blocks. I’ve also got an important question for you after the video.