I Can't Move Past My Husband's Texts With His Colleague

Her husband thinks it's no big deal -- and this betrayed spouse doesn't agree.

Dear Lauren,

My husband and I are both 39 years old, have been married almost 12 years and have three amazing young kids. We just had our third child last summer. A few months ago, I got the sense that something was feeling off energetically in our marriage. I discovered shortly after this (after peeking at his text messages which I normally do not do but I had an odd feeling) that he has been having somewhat of a texting relationship with this 28 year old woman at work.

While most of the text exchanges were work related, I was shocked to find my husband being very complimentary to her, telling her she does an amazing job at work, how he can't wait to see her, and even told her she will one day find a man that treats her like the queen she is. I also find out they go to lunch together, although there are usually one or two other people joining them too.

This obviously made me upset, I confronted him and he told me "it’s not what I think it is and that they are just work friends." Of course I don't buy it and we both agree to do indivudual and couples therapy to work through things. We otherwise have a strong connection and respectful relationship, so I am not sure what went wrong here. I feel so betrayed.

We both tell each other we want our marriage to work, but I can't shake this betrayal and this emotional affair he seems to be entertaining. He is a manager and supervises this woman so the text exchanges are probably still happening. Nothing physical has taken place but still can't trust him 100%. I've communicated to him how I feel and that I think he should stop texting her and try to find another job. While he acknowledges how I feel and says he is sorry, he doesn't see this as big of a deal as I see it. Is there hope for us or what should be the next step to take here?

Thanks!
Amanda

Hello friends,

I was so glad to hear from Amanda. She’s sharing an experience that is nearly universal among betrayed spouses — the empathy gap.

Amanda’s letter sheds light on what happens when we experience a situation differently from our spouse — especially a betrayal — and the distress that ensues when they can’t quite grasp why their behavior was as hurtful as it is.

For my coaching this week, I broke out an exercise that I use in sessions with unfaithful spouses who struggle to render the level of empathy commensurate with what their betrayed spouse is actually experiencing. I also gave Amanda and her husband recommended shared reading, and provided important context for her husband’s behavior that can help him get more honest with himself (and shed light on why this level of honesty is so vital to protecting a marriage).

It’s a privilege to be able to provide this kind of practical, actionable support, and I’m so grateful you’re here for it. Your paid subscription makes it possible for me to take the time it takes each week to produce Letters to Lauren.

And, if you’re a betrayed spouse who is struggling, you can find a wealth of additional support at my site, including the one-of-a-kind coaching community for betrayed spouses, the THRIVE Beyond Infidelity Membership.

Now, let’s dive in to my full coaching!