I Got Involved With A Smooth Talker, But Now I'm Struggling To Move On

Melinda regrets her affair, but is stuck dealing with the emotional aftermath

Hello Lauren!

I’ve been following your page on instagram for a while to gain some insight. I was separated from my husband who I’ve been with for 18 years (married 8 out of the 17). I met this guys from my job and we instantly grew a connection during my separation. He knew my whole back story of the separation and everything and knew I started to gain feelings for him.

Once we had our “moment” and it was great until he drove to my work that night to express me to me he was married. I expressed how I never wanted to be that girl who ruined my marriage.

We stopped talking for a few months, until we connected again. That one time turned into many many times and it got to the point where I fell in love with him. The crappy part is, I got close to his family including his wife. I no longer work there anymore and tried to keep my distance because I felt like this situation just ruined me.

There’s been many times where I wanted to express to his wife the truth because he is a smooth talker and gets away with it. I just can’t continue feeling the way I’m feeling anymore as much as it hurts me, but I need to move on from what is demolishing my feelings and her.

If there’s any guidance at all , I would really appreciate it!

Thank you!

Melinda

Today’s letter from Melinda has several important aspects that I want to highlight.

First, I want to thank Melinda for being courageous and sharing what she’s done and the conflicting feelings she’s navigating. It’s clear there’s some shame under all I’m reading. Shame is toxic and can be deadly. If you’re like Melinda and swimming through shame in your life I encourage you to turn into that emotion and deal with it!

There’s also some elements that could be read as a combination of regret and anger directed toward her affair partner. That swirl of emotions is telling her she might find relief from her pain by sharing her experiences with the spouse of her affair partner.

As you’ll hear in the coaching, I want Melinda to test that thinking before taking any action. There’s an exercise - the “and then what?” process - that can help. I encourage Melinda, or anyone whose pain is whispering in your ear and guiding your thoughts, to imagine the action you want to take and then go 5 or 10 steps and ask “and then what?” What will happen next after I tell that person or share those text messages? I go into it in more detail, but suffice to say it’s a great way to interrogate our thinking and discern our true motivations.

Melinda is still sorting through the fallout of her affair and I created The Decision-Making Masterclass for Spouses in an Affair (our most popular program) to help folks like her. An affair may be over, but the root causes might be unaddressed and that can cause a lot of lingering pain.

If you are an Affair Partner and want to head off a future that may include some of what Melinda’s suffering, I hope you’ll check out our e-book Get to the Truth About Being an Affair Partner. It’s a great way to level set for yourself, understand what you want out of your life, and determine whether being an Affair Partner is getting you closer to that, or is just a way to stay comfortably uncomfortable.

I am so grateful that you are here. Please consider becoming a paid subscriber so we can keep the light on for folks who are ready for a life of integration, honesty and peace.

Rooting for you!

Lauren