I Love My Husband, But I'm Still Having an Affair.

A letter writer wonders if her affair with a co-worker has strengthened her marriage.

Dear Lauren,

I am in an affair with a coworker. It is more of a friends with benefits situation. I don’t fully understand why I’m here. I love my husband and do not plan on leaving him but care deeply for my affair partner as well. It sounds weird but I feel like my affair has strengthened my marriage… I am constantly considering ending it though with the affair partner because he does not put in the same effort as I do but am so afraid to as I don’t want to feel the hurt I know I will. I’d love your input on this. Thanks so much!

-L

Is it possible that an affair is purely additive, as long as it’s not discovered? This week, I shed light on how the complex paradox of an affair can both feel regenerative for the person having it, and possibly even for the marriage, while simultaneously being destructive and harmful.

Our letter writer wonders why she’s having this affair, and that, my dear community, is exactly the question to ask. Why?

Its answer holds invitations to personal insight and growth that can make this experience the catalyst for a higher level of self-evolution. As Rumi says, “The wound is the place where the light enters you.”

But how do we get the insight we need to shine the light enough to find possible answers to this question? My weekly free educational email, Fidelity Factors: Why We Cheat + What to Do About It, as a solid place to start. Each week, for a whole year, I break down for you all of the conscious and subconscious, internal and external, factors that can possibly contribute to infidelity. And, I share insights and resources that will help you start the work to heal that part. You can sign up for free here and read past installments on the blog.

For someone like “L” who loves her husband and is caught in a cat-and-mouse chase of unreciprocated effort from her colleague/affair partner, the course Finding Freedom for Affair Partners Masterclass would be the prescriptive answer. This course is designed to help break the cycle of an affair while learning the science that keeps us chasing the highs and lows of clandestine love.

“L” can also start her personal inquiry with the e-book I wrote to help affair partners unpack the stories they’re telling themselves that keep them stuck in the affair relationship. Get To The Truth About Being an Affair Partner will get her sorting out what it is she REALLY want and getting her life in alignment. After all, as I say in my coaching letter to her, when we have an affair, the biggest delusion is that we’re in control of what happens. But when we play with fire we always run the risk that everyone gets burned.

I always take time here to mention the self-help resources that will help heal the pain points of our letter writers and readers, because they’re helping people move forward and find peace every single day. I hope they can help you, too.

Thank you for being a paid subscriber, I’m so grateful for your commitment to learning and growing together here. And, if you’re not yet a part of the Letters to Lauren subscriber community, I hope you’ll become one today. In addition to each full weekly coaching response sent right to your inbox, paid subscribers also gain access to all of the letter archives, and to the community chat.

Now, let’s help “L” get this sorted out…!