I Went Back to My Marriage. Am I Just Pretending?
After ending her affair, an unfaithful spouse worries she'll have deathbed-regrets.
Dear Lauren,
I was in an affair for three years. We initially met at a previous job and kept in touch and got close during Covid, right after she transitioned (MTF). It was a hard time for both of us. We became best friends and ultimately fell in love with each other. I've never felt a connection like that with anyone else. She gets the way my brain works because hers works in similar ways. When we talk, it's effortless- intellectually and emotionally stimulating. She's taught me so much about love. She loves me for my entire being. I love her — her essence, everything. I love my husband and he loves me too, but our connection is nothing like this.
We have two kids and keeping up with their busy lives takes a lot out of us. My AP has two kids too and is divorced. She struggles with mental illness and isn't working right now. She feels beat down as a result of the fallout from her transition, has a lot to work to do on herself to feel safe in the world so she can actively participate in it. Regardless, part of me really wanted to be with her. I broke it off only to go right back to her.
Then I disclosed our affair to my husband, telling him I was confused and in love with her. I chose to stay with my husband, because I love him and I wasn't ready to give up on my marriage and hurt my kids, as much as I love her. My AP and I are in no contact, but I desperately miss her. I can't stop thinking about her. It's only been two months which I know is nothing, but I can't shake the feelings of ambivalence about both situations.
I don't want to let her go even though I should to focus on my marriage, but I'm afraid of losing my true love. Even though we are working on things, I don't desire him, I desire her. I feel like I'm pretending/going through the motions with the "safe", "right" choice. I'm frustrated w/ myself — why can't I be happy with what I have? What if apples aren't enough for me? (apples/oranges post). How will I know what's right for me? I don't want any death bed regrets.
Sincerely,
Death Bed Regrets
Dear Death Bed Regrets,
It can feel like you’re going through the motions after an affair, especially when you’re grieving the disconnection from one relationship while trying to forge ahead in another. I’d encourage you to give it time, and be patient with yourself as you seek to know the path forward. Being in an affair changes our brains, and it takes time for what’s referred to as “affair fog” to lift. Allowing time to recover also, importantly, allows your brain to recalibrate. This brings the neural pathways that are responsible for critical thinking online again.
You determined that the right path forward is with your husband and children, out of love, out of duty, and out of a desire to keep what you value there intact. Those are completely valid reasons, so I don’t want you to diminish them by telling yourself that they’re “safe” and “right” as a negative thing.
Furthermore, your affair partner is adjusting to life after her own transition. You’re both in a period of getting to know yourselves again, under new circumstances, each with your own unique challenges. I wonder if it’s beneficial for her, too, to be no-contact right now, so she isn’t getting her heart broken by a relationship with someone who isn’t available, as she tries to heal and ground herself in the world.
It’s hard to be “happy with what you have” when you’re coming down off the high of an affair, AND grieving the loss of what you can’t or don’t have. Give your grief time and your recovery time, and let yourself feel it fully. The rub of an affair is that you can’t have both. And so you made a choice. Remember that if you’d chosen to be with your affair partner, you’d be grieving different losses — of your marriage and your family. And you may be wondering why you changed the very fiber and fabric of your life — just as you’re wondering now why you didn’t.
It’s human nature to want what we can’t have. Your job is to get closest to your truth, while also being loving and honest with the people you care about in your life. Be honest with your husband, if possible, about needing time to shift back into your relationship with him. You’re grieving your affair, and that grief often prevents connection with a spouse with whom you’re seeking to return. It’s okay to need to ease into intimacy, to need to take space to recalibrate and rediscover yourself, so you can take these parts of yourself back into your marriage, should you be able to.
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Letters to Lauren to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.