I'm in a relationship with a married man who isn't leaving his wife, but I can't find the strength to break up with him.

A subscriber wants to know why she allows herself to remain in this relationship and what she can do to help herself.

Dear Lauren,

I’ve been in an affair with a married man for almost six years. We met on a business trip, and he wasn't wearing a ring and said he was separated. I was fresh out of a divorce from a 25-year marriage. He seemed like the perfect man, intelligent, a gentleman, interesting, and kind. Our relationship was long distance, so I had no concerns. Two years in, he broke down and told me that he was still living with his wife.

I was shocked and devastated. He told me he didn’t love her, but was trying to help her get her kids raised. They don’t have kids together but he felt guilty over the impact of his own divorce on his children, so he wanted to stay for his step-kids. He begged me not to give up on us, and I believed him.

I allowed things to continue like this for two years, but his continual promises of leaving led to no change. I broke it off last year, but when he begged me to take him back, promising that things would be different this time and that he’d move out by the end of the year, I took him back.

I asked him a few months ago when this is going to end. He said he’d do anything to keep it going. I didn’t understand what he meant when he said it. But now, looking back, I think he meant both having his wife and me.

I desperately want and believe that I need to break up with him, Yet I can’t find the strength to do it. Why am I allowing myself to be treated like this? Why do I want a man who can so easily lie to both his wife and me?

Sincerely,
Desperate for Change

Dear Desperate for Change,

The video I recorded for you is a direct line of love and encouragement from me to you. While my words may sound tough at times, know that it is tough love because I believe without a doubt that you already know what you have to do and why, so I have relative confidence I don’t have to beat around the bush with you.

You’ve had a long runway where your married man’s words are mismatched from his behaviors. You’ve had enough evidence to know that he isn’t making any active changes in his life. And, the most important part is in how this is impacting you.

Here is something I say to affair partners all the time:

If you’re not willing to end your relationship with him, then how can you expect him to do the same with his wife?