I'm torn between honoring my commitment to my husband and pursuing my own happiness and fulfillment.

Comparing apples and oranges leaves a letter writer perplexed.

Dear Lauren,

I've been married to a good man and father for thirteen years now, and while he possesses many admirable qualities, I find myself struggling with feelings of attraction and connection towards him. Initially, I married him because he was the complete opposite of my father. Recently, I've met someone else, and I've found myself developing strong feelings for him.

The physical attraction is undeniable, and he makes me feel loved and valued in a way that I haven't experienced in my marriage. While my husband is kind and respectful, I don't feel the same level of emotional connection and attraction towards him. In our marriage, we don't communicate much, and we often maintain a facade of being the perfect Christian family, raising our eight-year-old son without much conflict or disagreement.

However, beneath the surface, I feel a sense of emptiness and longing for something more fulfilling. We can’t talk like a friend or laugh together. I'm torn between honoring my commitment to my husband and pursuing my own happiness and fulfillment. I feel conflicted and unsure of what steps to take next.

Despite the differences in our religion, and financial stability between myself and the man I've met, I find an inexplicable sense of calm and joy in his presence. He brings out a side of me that feels youthful and alive, and I'm drawn to him in a way that I can't fully explain. Our conversations flow effortlessly, and I feel a deep desire to share my thoughts and experiences with him.

It's perplexing to me that I would feel such a strong connection to someone who doesn't fit the mold of what I thought I was looking for in a partner. Despite his differences, he makes me feel understood and cherished in a way that I haven't experienced before. I'm struggling to reconcile these conflicting feelings and make sense of what I truly want and need in my life. I've been struggling with feelings of guilt and confusion.

Regards,
Perplexed

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Dear Confused,

Your conundrum doesn’t seem perplexing to me, though the feelings you’re contending with I am sure are perplexing for you.

This seems pretty straightforward in that your husband checks all of the right boxes, but you describe your marriage as lacking genuine intimacy. The new man you’ve met, on the other hand, doesn’t check the right boxes, but presents a genuine sense of intimacy.

Isn’t the “mold of what you thought you were looking for” a reference to external mate qualities? Meanwhile, the new connection you’ve found is described entirely in internal qualities? So, let’s call the checklist that led you to choose your husband an apple, and let’s call the newfound emotional connection that doesn’t fit that checklist an orange.

And you are wondering why the apple isn’t an orange.

Shouldn’t my apple be the only fruit that satisfies me? How could an orange possibly?!
I was told that I shouldn’t want oranges. But this one seems good for me, and I want it! What is true?!

What’s happening is that the two fruits aren’t the same. They aren’t made up of the same stuff. They present differently on the outside, and possess very different flavors on the inside. Yes, they both have fiber, water, and are called fruit, but otherwise, they’re not the same fruit.

So you’re perplexed because you’re trying to apply logic (shouldn’t I only want apples?) to your emotional experience (I’m attracted to an orange!). And one does not equal nor negate the other.

It is certainly distressing to have opened your eyes to new wants and needs that are being met by another person who isn’t your husband. Yet it sounds like you were well aware of those wants and needs before this man walked in to your life… You just didn’t have a reason to confront them in a way where you met your life choices face to face and called them into question.

It sound like your choice of your life with your husband fills many, but not all, of your wants and needs, and your connection with this new person fills the other unmet parts of your wants and needs. The two are completely different.

All of our wants, needs, and priorities are legitimate. The extent to which we shape our life choices to reflect them is what varies. You very much value the apple that you’ve sustained yourself on in life thus far (stable, not my father, same religion, financially sound, good parent, respectful) but now, you’re realizing to your great surprise that you also very much like oranges, in an entirely different skin, with an entirely different feel and composition (emotions, connection, vulnerability, intimacy)!

What delight oranges are! I was getting a little sad and hungry sustaining only on apples, but now, I feel so full! What is this feeling?

Does this analogy help you make sense of your confusing experience?

If there is indeed a choice for you to make here, then you just have to be as clear with yourself about exactly why you want to sustain the rest of your life on either apples or oranges, now that you know the taste of both.

I would encourage you to tune in to the feelings you had about your marriage and your husband before your connection developed with your newfound friend. Why was your marriage the right choice for you? Do those priorities and choices still stand now? On a scale of 1-10 how important are they, in contrast to the new choices you’re confronting? (The Decision-Making Method can help).

Know, too, that you will never un-know the taste of oranges now that you know it. Sometimes, when we can’t have all of something, or it isn’t meant to sustain us into our future, we can at least savor the memory of it within our minds, hearts, and souls.

With all my love and support,
Lauren