Is My Married Man Ever Going to Leave?

An affair partner wonders when enough is enough.

Dear Lauren,

I have been told for two years now how unhappy my affair partner is in his marriage and how much he desires to leave. I understand how hard all of it is for him, but I have put a lot of pressure on him because I am at a point where i'm questioning what am I waiting for? As he describes, his marriage is like they are roommates. She has cheated on him with his brother-in-law, and during the time of discovery from that his dad committed suicide.

I know he is hurting and promises me he wants to go to therapy. He wants me to be with him to give him the courage to go. But... I'm stuck on what to do for MYSELF. I've seen all of the red flags in this relationship. He has lied to me multiple times. He posted pictures of them together all over social media and hid the posts from me for a year. He messaged a good friend of mine referencing sexual things & she told me about it, having no idea him and I are together. He had a different girl hanging out with him at a work event, which shortly after I found out he had her phone number in his phone and was messaging with her under a mans contact info.

I have been trying to end things with him and the time that I really followed through with ending things... I received a message I was added to a life insurance policy as a beneficiary. This scared me into thinking he was going to do something to himself so I reached out to ask what it was about. Later I find out after doing research of my own... I was never added onto a life insurance policy, he tried telling me he removed me when he changed insurance.

He is truly damaging my mental health, and making me scared to leave but I also know I cant stay like this. Do I stay and help him start therapy, or do I walk away and hope he gets the help he needs because I can't hold his hand through this any longer?

Sincerely,
Scared and Stuck

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Scared and Stuck wrote to me after hearing my conversation with Nikki Spo on her excellent podcast, “The Know with Nikki Spo.”

What’s so important about Scared and Stuck’s letter, and my response, is that it addresses the toxic cycle that an affair can create — one which easily confuses an affair partner who feels on the hook, and wonders if change, this time, is right around the corner.

How do we know when a partner’s behaviors have crossed beyond the threshold of tolerable? And why, when it comes to an affair, are we so often more apt to tolerate the intolerable, and for longer than we know is acceptable or good for us?

The course I created just for affair partners helps answer this question too. It helps apply a practical recovery mindset to this uniquely impossible love relationship — one that’s gone from feeling exhilarating to being enveloped in anguish — so affair partners can reclaim themselves and get back to living. Life is so short. And yet, we might spend months and even years entangled in unworkable relationships, for our own, deep-rooted reasons.

Thank you for being a paid subscriber, I’m so grateful for your commitment to learning and growing together here. And, if you’re not yet a part of the Letters to Lauren subscriber community, I hope you’ll become one today. In addition to each full weekly coaching response sent right to your inbox, paid subscribers also gain access to all of the letter archives, and to the community chat where advice and support flows freely. Your subscription makes all of that possible!

Now, let’s dive in to help Scared and Stuck find her courage and get unstuck!