Is My Wife's Affair with a Woman the End of Our Marriage?
A shocked and devastated husband wonders if his marriage is recoverable.
Dear Lauren,
My wife is cheating with a female coworker of ours. I caught them about three weeks in, and they are already planning on moving in together. My in-laws are very upset with her, and I'm devastated. The best answer I got as to why she’s having this affair is that we felt more like roommates.
The woman she is cheating with is also having marital issues with her wife, which I think is what led to this. My wife and I have a three-year-old daughter and it's been tough working opposite shifts. My wife never brought up any issues to me and if I saw she was down, I'd ask if she was okay or wanted to talk, which she never did.
Should I just go ahead with a divorce even though it's so early in their affair? I just feel like she won't ever be willing to work on things.
Sincerely,
Blindsided
Dear Blindsided,
It sounds like you’re struggling both with your wife’s affair AND a lack of valuable insight and information about its origin and intention. There are questions that I’m sure you’ve asked, but still seem to beg answers to help you move forward in these circumstances.
First, is your wife interested in reconciling? Or is she hell-bent on moving out with her new partner? If they are planning to move in together, it sounds as if this affair is her warm transfer OUT of your marriage. But if you’re uncertain about her intentions, be clear in asking. If she doesn’t want to do the work to reconcile, you could do everything in your power, and it still wouldn’t likely change her focus or goal in leaving. If her mind is made up, you deserve to know it so that you can move forward with the goal of healing alone.
Second, has your wife previously been with women, or is this her first experience? It would be important for her to be forthcoming with her about whether her affair is an expression of her sexuality and desires that has not been shared with you or previously expressed in its full authentic form. Ultimately, to get closer to understanding her, I’d want her to be able to help you understand if her affair is expressing something of novel significance about her sexuality.
Of course, some affairs and infidelities are same-sex because sexuality, exploration, and attraction can be quite fluid. But, you want to know from your wife what the significance is for her.
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