My Affair Partner and I Are Struggling to Create a New Life Together
"What is the likelihood of an affair relationship lasting, with any likelihood of trust and safety?"
Dear Lauren,
Seven years ago, I was having an affair with a colleague. We were both married, so I have experienced both sides. I had young kids, his children were older. I knew my marriage was over and I left. He strung his marriage along until she finally left him, after finding out and telling his kids about our affair.
We are still together and we live together now with my children. It has been a massive struggle. I am the villain, his kids hate me despite not knowing me… I’ve been in individual therapy for six years and have made tremendous progress as I learn about my shadows and process the grief of past and present. We have tried couples therapy. He is still reluctant to make a commitment and has continued to have his “separate lives”. I still feel like the mistress.
He says he wants to be with me, but actions don’t align. I have caught him lying and withholding info on several occasions (but not cheating with another woman). He has had a ring for two years that I have yet to receive. I think I know the answer… but what is the likelihood of an affair relationship lasting, and with any possibility of trust and safety? We do have deep love and caring for one another, but I feel that the deeper issues and circumstances will never allow us to be in a true partnership.
Thank you…I love your content!!
Sincerely,
The Other Woman
Dear Other Woman,
The issues you write of are common to relationships that begin as affairs. It’s part of why I usually encourage my clients to handle the resolution of their affairs as swiftly as possible, as you did by leaving your marriage, so the affair does not create the legacy that follows the couple.
It sounds as if the adult children were traumatized by the revelation of the affair, and also negatively influenced by their mother to close themselves off to getting to know you. This kind of parental alienation is damaging and can certainly often take place. And yet, I wonder how their father, your partner, has worked to help heal his relationship with his children, take ownership of himself and his choices, and encourage them to get to know you as a person.
Has he been complicit in their unwillingness to accept or get to know you by being evasive, avoidant, or separating his life, or has he made an effort to mend their relationship and make bids for them to become engaged in his new life?
If your partner were my client, I’d be working with him to forge a stronger and more honest relationship with his children after affair discovery and/or marital dissolution. Rising to this occasion is, in my book, required for any parent whose affair has negatively skewed children’s impression of them, and of their new partner. It takes persistent work and active relational repair. Of course, we can’t make adult children or any family member accept new partners or our life choices. But we can do our part to demonstrate a commitment to trying.
Additionally, an important part of that commitment is in showing everyone else that you’re a unified front in your new partnership. That your new life is fused, intentional, and a positive change… not a source of splitting, shame, and guilt, as is often instead subconsciously communicated when a new partner is kept in the shadows or kept separate.
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