My Affair Partner Finally Gave Me an Ultimatum

A long-standing affair challenges this letter writer to face the reality of leaving her 30-year marriage.

Dear Lauren,

For the past five and a half years, I have been in an affair with a man I fell in love with 32 years ago, before I was married. This is the third time we have been together since that time. I know that my affair partner is the love of my life and he feels the same.

He left his second wife for me three years ago, even though I told him I didn't think I could also end my marriage. Now, he has issued me an ultimatum, which is looming. He wants me to leave my husband of 30 years to start a life with him. While my heart belongs to him, I feel the strong pull of expectation and obligation to stay in my marriage. My husband is a good man, but I've realised that he doesn't have the emotional maturity or intelligence to really see me or understand me. I know I have been withdrawing from him but can't seem to help it. I've realised I've never allowed him to really see me because I've never trusted that he could handle my vulnerable self.

He discovered the affair three years ago and, while I tried to make it work, I went back to my affair partner. My husband leads me to believe that he thinks it's over. I have three adult children and my son is soon to become a father. I have told my husband that I don't think I want to continue being married but he insists that we can make it work. I have no energy for any 'work' in that relationship, as I feel as though 30 years is enough.

However, I can't seem to make the final break. I'm afraid of my relationship with my children breaking down as my husband leans on them and they resent having to support him. Leaving my marriage would also mean that I'd give up an affluent lifestyle and that I'd have to continue working full time for longer than I'd prefer as my affair partner is not well off. If I stay in my marriage, I'd be compromising parts of myself that have only woken up in the past few years. But if I leave my husband, I don't think I could cope with the resentment from my children and my extended family.

Sincerely,
Confused

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Dear Confused,

I truly appreciate your letter’s stark honesty. Because you’ve been so honest with me, I want to be really honest back in my response.

You’ve been unfaithful to your husband on and off for 30 years, and yet you feel that leaving him would be a great disadvantage to you. You state that your affair partner is the love of your life, but it seems that love is not unconditional, since his financial status is a deterrent to you.

I understand that leaving isn’t easy, and it does require us to make major changes in our lives — in our financial structure and family structure, at a minimum. Your letter gives all the reasons you have no interest in staying meaningfully married to your husband. And, your husband, with all of the shortcomings you attest to, still doesn’t likely deserve to be unmet in a marriage with someone who has no interest in making it work, but stays to continue to enjoy an affluent lifestyle and extended family relationships. I am fairly certain he could find someone else who would love him for who he is, should be be freed to do so.