My married boyfriend financially supports me, and I've never been more miserable.

The cost of financial support is your emotional, mental, physical, and psychological freedom: far too high a price to pay.

Dear Lauren,

I'm stuck in a two year affair. I'm the affair partner. My married affair partner claimed his wife was dying when we met. I tried avoiding this situation. At the time I was freely dating and had given up on a serious connection with anyone. Looking back I can see in a lot of ways that I was love bombed. There was gifts, money and lots of attention from my affair partner.

Naturally after dating unsuccessfully I was enamored by the attention. I was also struggling financially and I still am. I got sick and he took care of all my finances. He still is to this day.

I can't support myself. I'm injured and the work that I do makes me injury worse. I'm living the most miserable life. I'm am taking action to better my situation. I'm in school and in the process of opening my own business. I'm crawling my way out. I feel no joy. I'm sad. I've lost my light. The promises of leaving fall of deaf ears at this point.

I can genuinely say I love this person. I love his company when we are together. At times I've been content with our situation. At times I've admit to myself that I'm not strong enough to leave. This person is very well off and can afford to dangle the carrot of money in front of me and I'll cave ever single time because I'm desperate to support myself and my home.

Two years later his wife is employed, seems vibrant and well and is running her own business. Why would I ever believe he was telling me the truth to begin with?

He claims his love for me, that he will leave his marriage. His claims do not back up actions. I've watched your videos on this. He hasn't made plans to get a lawyer or made any moves that indicate he would be leaving anytime soon. I feel very alone. I guess my question is what can I do in the meantime to put the focus back on myself, my home and my child.

I really believe two things can be true at the same time. I believe he loves me and cares. I also believe he loves his wife and isn't leaving anytime soon.

Sincerely,
Financially Stuck

Dear Financially Stuck,

My main concern lies with this part of your letter:

“I'm living the most miserable life. I'm am taking action to better my situation. I'm in school and in the process of opening my own business. I'm crawling my way out. I feel no joy. I'm sad. I've lost my light. The promises of leaving fall of deaf ears at this point.”

I applaud you for taking action to better your situation. I have no doubt that you are strong, and you are capable, and I am heartened by the idea that there’s a part of you that doesn’t doubt that either, beneath the haze your relationship has cast.

But, if you are feeling no joy, if you are sad, if you have lost your light, then you are not living.

Let’s resuscitate you. Bit by bit, little by little. You have no joy because you are not free. Your heart is not free, and your life is not free.

Your work is to first reconnect with the woman you were before you met your married man. That woman was internally and externally free. Slowly but surely, you have moved into a position of dependence, reliance, and indebtedness to your married affair partner. This creates a power differential that puts you at a significant disadvantage, even if you felt there was a necessity to it at one time.

I am encouraged to hear you are crawling your way out, but in the meantime you need to do some important personal healing work psychologically. It sounds like you may be trauma-bonded to your affair partner. Please go to this checklist and learn more about the trauma-bonded nature of your relationship and how it may be affecting your sense of joylessness, helplessness, and hopelessness.

You are with him because you love him, but you also feel trapped. He’s created a dynamic where you NEED him.

Have you ever been in a job you just knew you couldn’t stay in, so you spent all of your time outside of work honing a new skill, researching other jobs, reading, planning your next move, and improving your connections? This situation feels like one where you’ll need to do just that.

To do so, let’s separate your financial dependence from your mental and emotional dependence.

When we are feeling stuck in any area of our life, we need to clean up the belief systems that are keeping us stuck. Freedom often comes from the inside before we achieve it on the outside. I want you to work on gaining mental and emotional independence while you’re slowly working your way toward finding financial independence. I have an exercise to start you in this vide below.