My Married Man Didn't Leave. Does He Have Regrets?

After the end of a 12-year affair, an affair partner wants to know the legacy she left.

Dear Lauren,

How does my married man feel now that I have left him for good? He is staying in a marriage that is sexless but “ fine” otherwise. We have been dancing this dance for 12 years and I have been putting pressure on him for the last three. I finally decided to let him work out his marriage or not.

I have asked him to block me so I have no choice and I cannot go back.

Do you think he regrets me or I have impacted his life somehow?

Sincerely,
Newly Free AP

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Dear Newly Free,

I have no idea how your married man feels, and neither will you. The only person who knows how he feels is… him. In my experience, when we’re focused on figuring out how someone feels or whether we’ve impacted them, we aren’t free. We’re still attached.

After a 12-year affair, it makes sense that you’re wondering. And yet, it hints that you’re just beginning the road to your own recovery after your married man did not follow through on leaving his marriage (I don’t know if he was promising this). Stay focused on figuring out how YOU feel, whether YOU have regrets, and how YOU’VE been impacted. Wondering and searching for answers about how someone else has been impacted or feels is fruitless at best, and more of the same affair-rumination-entrapment cycle at worst.