My Unfaithful Husband Won't Do The Work: On Healing OR on a Divorce.

A betrayed spouse is stalled with a husband who isn't confident on his path forward.

Happy New Year!

As today’s letter will show, the calendar may change, but the circumstances that shaped 2024 continue into 2025. Our mission is to help change that.

We return after the time away focused and ready to offer resources, support and encouragement that will help you find the clarity, courage, and conviction to shift the circumstances in your affair-impacted relationship.

Today, a letter that is an archetype of this reality. An unfaithful partner won’t commit to staying - or leaving - the relationship and the betrayed spouse has to press the question: are you in or are you out?

Dear Lauren,

My husband is having an affair with a coworker ten years younger than him. He met her right after we conceived our third child, and when I discovered their affair four months into the pregnancy, he told me he wanted a divorce. It's been ten months since discovery and he still lives with me. We are still not legally separated. He's moved out of our bedroom and we barely talk.

We started mediation but as soon as we got to the part where we actually DO the work, it's been stalled and he's no longer pushing for anything legal to happen. How do I get over the hope that he still might want to make it work, even though I'm not even sure I want to anymore?

I'm not sure if the only reason I'm holding onto the hope is because I was hurt so badly (by being discarded) at such a vulnerable time, so now I just want him to realize he made a mistake and to finally be chosen, or if it's because I'm still mourning the idea of not having the family I dreamed of us being, or if it's genuinely because I want to be with him, knowing we could actually heal from this and have a great relationship if he'd be willing to do the work.

Either way, I'm struggling with this final piece, and it's really inhibiting the way I can accept where I am in my life and my "marriage." I don't know how to accept and move on.

Sincerely,
Tired and Stuck

We have a wealth of resources to support individuals in this scenario. The Decision-Making Masterclass for Spouses in an Affair and our Get Unstuck e-book will help unfaithful spouses avoid the ambivalence trap. From Survive to Thrive: The Masterclass for Betrayed Spouses is designed for folks like Tired and Stuck who are facing answering the questions - “now what, and what is best for ME?”

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Now, let’s dive in to help Tired and Stuck find her path through this situation.