My Unfaithful Partner Wants Space to Grieve His Affair, But What If He Uses It to Cheat Again?

A betrayed spouse struggles to accommodate a partner's request for space in the precarious aftermath of affair discovery.

Dear Lauren,

My partner and I have been together for 11 years. We were due to get married last September, but he suddenly got cold feet. He was out of my life for five months, then came back begging me to forgive him and get our life back on track to get married.

Two months in and I discovered he was cheating. I also found out it was the reason he left to begin with. On discovery, he immediately ended it with her and spent a week trying to do everything he could to repair things with me. Then, seemed to be struggling with grieving the loss of his affair partner, and asked for space to process.

How does one set up boundaries for space? Because space could just mean going back to cheat. Does he even deserve space?

Sincerely,
Savannah

I wish we didn’t encounter this scenario so often. I truly do. It’s the paradox of affair discovery where an unfaithful partner’s natural ambivalence, confusion, and grief threatens or prevents the ability for a couple to repair, when it feels like quite the opposite should be happening.

As you will hear, Michelle Leon, my fellow coach at Lauren LaRusso Coaching, and I discuss how Savannah is being put in a common position that leaves so many betrayed spouses feeling powerless in the aftermath of affair discovery. Betrayed spouses are often shocked that instead of having the control and choice they feel they should as the betrayed, they’re instead at the mercy and whim of a partner who doesn’t know what they want, wavers in their commitment, and needs further space.

All of this is a result of the unexpected impact an affair has on the unfaithful partner. It changes them, as well as how they feel about what they want and who they want. Paid subscribers will hear how Michelle and I coach Savannah through this situation and help her establish a solid footing for her needs in her life.

I created The Decision-Making Masterclass for Spouses in an Affair (our most thorough program) and our Get Unstuck e-book (a powerful starting point) specifically to address this extremely common scenario. Both the Get Unstuck e-book and the more thorough Masterclass guides an unfaithful partner to clarify WHY they stepped out of the marriage, and HOW to move forward with conviction.

Questions of personal value, like Savannah’s, require the betrayed spouse to distinguish what’s best for them, and how to get on with your life instead of feeling like you’re in a merciless holding pattern. If you are struggling with making yourself a priority is the wake of your partners affair, "The Betrayed Spouse Survival Guide" may help. It’s a 6-page guide packed with proven techniques to help you stabilize your life while navigating the initial crisis, from understanding your emotions to caring for your basic needs. It’s the first in a set of materials for Betrayed Spouses that includes the Gain + Loss Guide for Betrayed Spouses and From Survive to Thrive, my masterclass for Betrayed Spouses.

I always take time to mention the self-help resources that connect with the pain points in our community because they’re helping people move forward and find peace every single day. I hope they can help you, too.

Thank you for being a paid subscriber, I’m so grateful for your commitment to learning and growing together here. And, if you’re not yet a part of the Letters to Lauren subscriber community, I hope you’ll become one today. In addition to each full weekly coaching response sent right to your inbox, paid subscribers also gain access to all of the letter archives, and to the community chat where advice and support flows freely. Your subscription makes all of that possible!

Now, let’s dive in to help Savannah find her path through this situation.