My wife might be a covert narcissist. Do I try to win her back?

How do we know when to keep trying, and when to let go?

Dear Lauren,

I have been with my wife since college for 18 years, married for seven. We had a son in 2021. We had to navigate a lot of ups and downs over the years and I supported her growth and career through medical school. Last year I went to therapy and discovered that I was very lonely in my relationship. My wife is the sweetest person but she is a taker. Her good intentions don't translate to actions often. She was never as curious about me and I always felt she lacked empathy and consideration for my struggles. I did most of the house chores and she would keep making messes for me to clean up. She used to dismiss my opinions as a parent. I shared my therapy findings with her and not much changed although she 'wanted to change'.

Then I ended up having an emotional affair with an anonymous woman online for three months. She discovered it and feels traumatized. She filed for divorce immediately. I tried to reason with her and apologized but she says she's done with the marriage and moved out last week.

I tried to tell her how it was a mistake and it's human but she doesn't want to discuss it. After listening to your podcast episode I think she maybe an "unintentional covert narcissist". But I love her and I want to help her get better. I feel we both can learn and grow as a couple but she's not interested. She doesn't trust me and calls me as the narcissist. I was always a people pleaser until I went to therapy last year.

I'm so confused. This is not the life I imagined for my son. I had an abusive childhood and hence only want the best for my son. Should I let her go? Should I try to win her back - if so how? I would do anything for my son. My affair was a mistake.

Sincerely,
A Giver

Dear Giver,

You are still asking if you should give more. Oh, how I can relate.

Understanding you’re with someone who has a narcissistic personality type is SO important. Whatever the way of categorizing it, it does sound like perhaps there might be an aspect of emotional immaturity to your marriage — one which won’t get resolved when one party isn’t willing or able to partake in self-reflection and change-related-growth.