My wife's affair made her a better spouse, but I can't forgive her.
A letter writer struggles with the paradox of having the wife he always wanted, in the context of pain and deceit.
Dear Lauren,
My wife had a 6 year affair with an old fling of hers. Her affair partner confessed everything to his wife when someone discovered his texts, and then she told me everything these two did with each other over the years. I couldn't believe it! I was so shocked and traumatized I'm pretty sure I had a nervous breakdown that day.
I immediately wanted to divorce her but she agreed to go to counseling. It's been a year and a half since I found out and my wife is a changed person. She's very remorseful, loving and affectionate towards me. She writes me love texts pretty much every day and wants me to forgive her.
The problem is I can't get out of mind the lies , deceit and betrayal of hiding an affair for that long. My mind is consumed from everything she did with this man and where she did it. I hate her for making a fool out of me and using me for her own security. But I love the person she is now. I want her to feel the hurt I'm feeling. I can say I forgive her and I know I have to move on with my life but the pain is so deep.
I’ve been in counseling for a year and a half trying to heal. She is now the wife I always wanted. But this forgiveness thing is so hard. If I divorced her it would just be for revenge. Letting everyone know what she did with a married man for so long. Our children don't know. I've kept it a secret all this time.
When I think of the deception and lies to my face I am in total shock she was capable of doing such a horrible thing. It's like I'm on a fence. On one side is this adulteress lying cheating person who I hate. On the other side is a remorseful loving person who wants to be forgiven. I'm trying to forgive. But the flashbacks of her and this guy doing the unthinkable haunt me daily.
I can’t believe she was capable of doing the unthinkable. Will I always be angry at her for this ? Can I ever get over this hurt ?
Sincerely,
Painful Paradox
Dear Painful Paradox,
Yes, it is a paradox when an affair (something destructive) becomes a change-agent and leads to an outcome that is seemingly productive… and even desirable.
Here is my message to you:
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