We both married other people. Years later, we reignited our love.

A letter-writer's rollercoaster affair with her ex of 30 years leaves her reeling from his inconsistent and sometimes cruel behavior.

Hello Lauren ,

In 2014 I reconnected with someone that I dated in my past, for five years long-distance. After we broke up, I heard from him once a year on my birthday, and we both got married and built our separate lives.

When I was visiting his city in 2014 I asked him if I could meet him and his wife over a meal. He and I started chatting over WhatsApp and soon enough got emotionally involved. He lived in a different country, and I had two kids and responsibility of an aging parent and my marriage was not going too well. He did not have any kids and was doing IVF with his wife. He said he wanted to leave her and marry me, but did not show much interest in my kids.

It was pretty good in the start but then the gaslighting and breadcrumbing started. We were mostly long distance and would meet once a year when I visited his country since I had family there. We started fighting about money. He would expect me to pay 50/50 in all the trips we took and even had expectations for me to gift him things. His availability depended on how things were at home, and things were on and off a lot.

In the meantime, I went back for my degree so I could be more financially independent and so that things would be easier for me since money was an issue. We had plans to leave our situation in 2024 once my daughter went to college. He was always hesitant to leave his wife because of the money it would cost him and because he expected to inherit her money. When things were good the chemistry was amazing and so was intimacy, but it got inconsistent over the years. He even told me that he thought of me as a backup incase something happened to his wife.

After we last met in 2022 I lost my mom and I saw a different side of him. He sent me pictures of he and his wife on a holiday barely a month after she passed away and told me I am not worth anything more than having a good time with. I think he came to know how much his wife will inherit and that changed his priorities. He also admits that no one has cared for or and loved him more than I have but yet he has chosen to be with his wife, who he claims to have no physical or emotional intimacy with.

He says he wants to be with me but on his schedule and will marry me if something happens to her. I feel ashamed , angry and resentful to have given so much time and energy to a man who does not value me. What makes it harder is that I have known him for 30 years and he was the first guy I ever loved.

He is trying to keep the connection alive by giving the bare minimum, for example, to talk to me while driving to work, but nothing that would require effort or adjustment. He totally ignores me on weekends. I still don’t understand what happened for him to go from being available and open, to wanting to call the shots and take minimum effort.

Thank you, Lauren, for your help. I also got your course and it is amazing.

Sincerely,
Misused and Confused

Dear Misused,

Your AP being your first love, combined with the scraps you receive from him, is one of those unique recipes for a catastrophically toxic relationship.

I believe you can unwind from this, and I’ll tell you how in my video message. Below my video I’ve posted follow-up resources to support your journey.