We Had the Perfect Family: Why Did My Husband Choose His Affair Partner?

When his adult children issue an ultimatum, an unfaithful husband makes a surprising choice.

“Dear Lauren,

My spouse of 28 years has been having an affair for 5 months. He moved out today and right into his mistress's house. My adult children talked with him a week prior and said, they would never accept her and he needed to pick between them and her. He chose her.

WHY?

We were a wonderful , tight, family. People were envious of us and our relationship with our kids. AND NOW, this guy, has turned into a complete stranger. How does one walk away from their children.

He says he loves them, but I don't get this????

Laurie”

This week’s letter lays a scene that Michelle and I see regularly in our practice — a long marriage in a picture perfect family, shockingly unraveled with the revelation of an affair and the departure of a spouse.

It’s the season where every day our mailboxes deliver yet another holiday card. The smiling families inside each envelope tell little of anyone’s real story, and the assumption is that everyone else is happy and well adjusted. This week’s letter is a stark reminder that we never truly know what goes on in anyone else’s life or marriage, no matter the optics, no matter what’s posted on social media or sent on a holiday card.

The dissolution of a happy family and a seemingly happy marriage is always yields the same question: Why?

It feels so senseless, so unfair, so undeserved, and so unnecessary. After all, we were happy. We had everything.

How can that simple question — why — ever be adequately or fairly answered? Over the course of a life shared and lived, the answer is: a million different reasons.

An attempt to find a satisfactory answer could be an endless quest. This week, Michelle and I address what’s often underneath the heartbreak that ends what seemed like a storybook, often as much to the people in it as the people outside of it.

Every day, we guide spouses who are struggling with affairs; the vast majority of whom have built a life they’re proud of, full of every success we traditionally measure in today’s society. We know firsthand that infidelity, our desire to love and be loved, and our strong urge to be happy and self-fulfilled doesn’t discriminate. Rather, it’s human and universal.

No matter how shining our life might be on the outside, our yearnings on the inside can lead us to make choices that seem like great departures from everything we spent a lifetime building. If you’re struggling or this resonates, I want to remind you that you can book sessions with me or Michelle through my site. We’re here to give you personalized guidance.

If you want to move beyond stuck feelings of frustration and hurt, we have courses for betrayed spouses, affair partners and unfaithful spouses. All are designed to deliver major impact from the comfort and privacy of your own home.

Thank you for being a paid subscriber, I’m so grateful for your commitment to learning and growing together in this space. And, if you’re not yet a part of the Letters to Lauren subscriber community, I hope you’ll become one today. Your paid subscription is a vital part of allowing us to do this work. Now, for our full response to Laurie, below!