When His Fantasy Became Her Affair
When one night of fun becomes a seven-year affair, an unfaithful wife wonders how to heal.
Dear Lauren,
I was the one who had an affair….the wife! It started out as trying to fill a fantasy for my husband. Then the lines got blurred and I stopped sharing and started having a friendship with a single male. We then became friends with benefits with a high sexual attraction. He’d date other people a little in between and still have sex with me.
This happened over 10 years ago and went on for seven years! I just recently told my husband after five years of no contact with the other guy (he ended it after finding someone and getting married).
Yes I could have ended it myself. We had times where we didn’t see each other let alone have sex. How do we fix our relationship? It went from husband wanting a fantasy played out to me not including and talking/telling him and doing what I wanted. I didn’t love this other person, sex wasn’t as good as it was w/my husband it was just different. He expected nothing from me.
Is it possible to recover? What do I do? I know it’ll be up to him to forgive me or even try to. We have kids I don’t want to lose him or them. He truly does make me happy and I love him. I want to fix this and him because I broke him. I see it in his face and in his restless body.
Sincerely,
Lived Fantasy
Dear Lived Fantasy,
It’s not that unusual for a fantasy dynamic to be taken offline into an affair. But, when your husband and you agreed to indulge his fantasy, there was a divergence in the agreement when you continued the relationship in secret.
Now that you’ve admitted this all to your husband, you’re worried about being able to salvage your marriage.
My question is, what caused you to start and keep your own fantasy secretly, after openly sharing in his fantasy together? Your husband was able to share his desires for you to fulfill. But the pivot came when you took your desires and fulfilled them without involving or including him. Reflecting on the reasons for your divergence in what otherwise would seem like an open and honest sex life, could be really illuminating.
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