Why does my married affair partner hook me in, then disappear again?

Surviving on crumbs, a letter writer's cat-and-mouse game with her married affair partner has her confused, and feeling crazy. Lauren sheds light on possible reasons, and what to do about it.

Dear Lauren,

I had an emotional affair that got very sexually explicit for three months. He’s also married, and we each have two kids. We met at a work conference but live seven hours from each other. Things between us got hot and heavy fast, but then he ghosted me, before returning a few months later when our conversations remained in a friend-zone capacity.

During that time, things escalated at home in a manner where we separated and I filed for divorce. The emotional affair was the trigger for a lot of things, and I have no regrets about filing and the path I’m on. It was the catalyst I needed to realize I was miserable.

At the same time, I miss the way my affair partner and I used to talk. I know he breadcrumbs me, but I can’t seem to let him go. Why?! And I don’t know what he wants from me anymore or why he’s still around. I keep going back to the relationship we had — we even talked about having a child together and truly fell in love, then he pulled back.

For whatever reason I can’t seem to get him out of my mind. Other men have tried, and I never cared, but this is different. I realized I was starving in my marriage and so unhappy, and he gave me everything I wanted and needed…. until he didn’t.

And somehow we still come back to each other. I do think about his wife and feel guilty, and I still don’t stop. When I pull back significantly, he reaches out more, or when he disappears for a few days he always comes back. Are there other women? We are going to a work conference in April and he sent me his hotel reservations.

This is such a cat and mouse situation. I have morals and never in my life thought I’d be in this situation. It’s so hard to walk away.

Sincerely,
Mouse Surviving on Breadcrumbs

Dear Mouse,

Trust that what you’re getting (or, not getting) from him is evidence that he doesn’t want to risk everything, and by holding back, he’s giving the majority of his attention and presence to his own life: this is where his priorities lie.

He gets something out of what he has with you, which is why he keeps popping back up for that hit. It’s not that there’s necessarily other women… (wait — there is at least one, it’s his wife!) but it’s everything else in his life that he values. He’s demonstrating this with his mixed availability and detached level of engagement with you.

My response to you below shares more of my thoughts about this, and what you might do in light of it. I’d also recommend taking my personal recovery course for affair partners. This program has powerful exercises to help you rewire your brain and reorient yourself to your affair relationship, so that you can establish the mental and emotional freedom necessary to approach an untenable situation with the mental sobriety that’s been long lost through the affair.