Letters to Lauren

Letters to Lauren

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Letters to Lauren
Letters to Lauren
Why didn't you encourage the letter writer to choose his affair partner over his wife?

Why didn't you encourage the letter writer to choose his affair partner over his wife?

An affair partner responds to a previous letter, and wonders if choosing love is ever the more courageous path.

Lauren LaRusso's avatar
Lauren LaRusso
May 22, 2024
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Letters to Lauren
Letters to Lauren
Why didn't you encourage the letter writer to choose his affair partner over his wife?
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Dear Lauren,

I recently read your post from a letter writer who spoke of choosing his wife over his affair partner, although it wasn’t a decision his heart felt, but what he thought was “right”.

Your response to him brought up a lot for me because of my situation. First, I truly respect you and the work you do. I’ve taken your affair partner class and I am truly grateful. But reading this post, I was hoping I might share my story and see what advice you might give to me and others like me if you don’t mind.

Until recently, I was with a man who has been married for 20 years to the only woman he ever dated and together they have a 16 year old son. We had both agreed he would leave, although he struggled greatly with this decision because of his son. A month ago, he came to me in tears and told me his son had talked to him about how all his friends parents were getting divorced lately and how he was glad his parents were different. He told me he realized that his marriage isn’t great, but he had to try and make it work for his son. He said it was the hardest decision, he will always love me, but we had to just be friends.

After a couple weeks of my heart breaking trying to “just be friends”, I decided to go no contact for at least 30 days to try and move on. I told him that I needed space, but hope maybe we can come together again as friends someday. Its been 16 grueling days now.

I usually find comfort in your words, but your response to your reader left me feeling guilt & shame. I was hoping you might offer some words to me and others like me. All I see is both he and I heartbroken in effort to do what is “right” according to society. I wonder, do you think choosing love is ever the more courageous path….?

This really does come from a place of honesty and hopes of help in coming to terms with my situation. Thank you so very much.

Sincerely,
Aching AP

pink and white floral ribbon on white printer paper

Dear Aching,

Thank you for your letter, and for sharing your experience. The letter you’re referring to (which can be read here) brought a lot of comments online — many from affair partners who felt dismayed that I didn’t encourage the letter writer to make a different choice than the one was asking for assistance with. I’d like to share share insight into how I formulated my response to that letter, and how I approach each letter in general.

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